Introduction

My name is Meghan and I’ve been battling disordered eating for almost 19 years.  I have been battling anorexia for close to 4 years now.  I have been in treatment at the Emily Program for over a year now.  Things had started to spiral out of control to the point where I was barely eating and working out at least 5 hours a day.  Last April (2011) I ended up going to the Anna Westin House for close to 5 months.  During those months I went through the process of refeeding and I did as I was told.  However, I still snuck workouts in here and there behind closed doors.  Even though my body was getting healthy (which I hated), my brain was still sick.  I would have moments of feeling recovery but those moments were rare.  I played them up though; I wanted to get out of the house so that I could go back to what I was doing.  I hated the fact that my body had changed for the better, because to me, it had changed for the worst.

As soon as I left the treatment center, I slowly went back to my old habits, yet I wanted to live life like a 22 year old should.  I wanted to start school again and get a job.  I was going after things so fast, trying to make everything normal, but it wasn’t.  I’ve had to drop classes now in order to stay alive and manage my depression, anxiety, and eating disorder.  Now my job is the next thing to lessen.  I absolutely love my job and it hurts that I cannot do it anymore, or do it to the potential that I want to.  Just a coupld days ago I had completely crashed and jumped off the edge.  I did things that I regret, and I did them all because of self-hatred and depression.  Everything had just caught up with me and my world came crashing down.  My body may not be physically to the point where it was last year but my mind is definitely ill.  Today I hit a realization as I was walking my dog.  The song “Stand Back Up” by Sugarland came on my iPod and it brought me to tears.  I received a feeling I have never felt before.  I want recovery.  I want to live my life and I want to get better, for my family and for my friends.  I’m tired of being submissive to this disease.  If I don’t beat this now, I don’t know if I’ll live later on.  And I’ve realized that I can’t keep being ashamed of what I have.  I am anorexic, I suffer from severe depression and anxiety; I’m struggling, but I want to share my recovery process and show people that it is possible to overcome demons in life.  This is going to be my blog to show that process.  Even if 1 person reads this, hopefully they can get something out of it, and knowing that I have one extra person for support is amazing to me because during times like this, all the support is needed.  I want to beat this.  I want to be there for my dad as he battles his cancer and do what I can to help him, but I can’t do that if I’m sick.  He needs his family and I want to fight and be there for him.  My niece needs her auntie, and I want to be there to watch her grow up.  My mom needs her youngest daughter, my sister needs her sister, etc.  I won’t let them down.  It’s time to stand back up.  It’s time to fight free from this ED.  It’s time to fight.  It’s time for me to go back to treatment and actually listen to them and do what they tell me.  It’s time to change and become Meghan, not just another statistic for an eating disorder.  I’m more than that.  We are all here for a reason, and it’s time for me to fulfill my duties.

 

“Stand Back Up” by Sugarland

Go ahead and take your best shot, Let ‘er rip, give it all you’ve got, I’m laid out on the floor, but I’ve been here before, I may stumble, yeah I might fall, Only human aren’t we all? I might lose my way, but hear me when I say,
I will stand back up, You’ll know just the moment when I’ve had enough, Sometimes I’m afraid, and I don’t feel that tough, But I’ll stand back up,
I’ve been beaten up and bruised, I’ve been kicked right off my shoes, Been down on my knees more times than you’d believe, When the darkness tries to get me, There’s a light that just won’t let me, It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes, But I’ll stand back up,
I’ve weathered all these storms, But I just turn them into wind, so I can fly, What don’t kill you makes you stronger, When I take my last breath, That’s when I’ll just give up,
So, go ahead and take your best shot, Let ‘er rip, give it all you’ve got, You might win this round but you can’t keep me down,
‘Cause I’ll stand back up, And you’ll know just the moment when I’ve had enough, Sometimes I’m afraid and I don’t feel that tough, But I’ll stand back up,
You’ll know just the moment when I’ve had enough, Sometimes I’m afraid and I don’t feel that tough, But I’ll stand back up.