Struggling

19 Mar

Today is definitely one of thsoe days.  I cannot stop thinking about calories, food, and exercise.  Numbers keep running around in my head, dancing and twirling; spinning and spinning.  I had therapy and am going to be going back into IOP (Intensive outpatient program) and I am not excited for that.  I want to back out of it so badly, and the push towards the disorder is extremely strong.  It’s like a siren singing her beautiful song and I’m definitely lured in today.  I don’t know what my problem is; it’s like I go from one extreme to the other and I’m so tired of this battle.  I’m just so frustrated with this disease, and I feel so guilty because I feel like it’s me choosing to have this.  I know that I’m not, but it gets hard to believe that I’m not.  I’m upset with myself no matter what, I can never do things the “right way” (perfectionism popping out).  I can’t recover correctly and then my eating disorder yells at me for not being disordered enough, for not being thinner, being better.  I feel like I cannot win no matter what happens and I’m just exhausted with fighting against myself.  I’m struggling and annoyed, confused and I feel like a complete failure.  I know this is just today and tomorrow can be different and will be different, but days like these suck and can be really discouraging.  Hopefully things turn around again.  I guess I just need to take it one day at a time.  One hour at a time, minute by minute.  That’s all I can do.  For those of you out there, you ARE STRONG! YOU CAN FIGHT THIS! Take it step by step, day by day.  Literally. Hold on.

 

Meghan

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