30 Mar

So today I’m 23 years old.  I’m sitting in a coffee shop waiting for my therapy appointment, reading all the birthday wishes that people have posted on my facebook.  I’m so thankful and grateful for each “happy birthday” I read.  They mean so much to me, and it just shows that there is support out there for me.  I always know that there is support from my family and friends but sometimes this disease makes you forget and treats you as if you’re alone.  It makes you think that you don’t deserve anybody out there.  Seeing all the comments shows that I have more power than the disease, and I needed to see that today.  Who would have thought that on my birthday I would be looking back to a year ago and wishing I was back there.  Not back in treatment but back to the size I was.  It makes me sad to think that I cannot even enjoy my birthday without wishing I was skinnier for it, without wishing I weighed less and that it would be the best birthday gift I could ask for.  This is why I’m still in treatment, still getting help, and still striving for recovery.  Some days I feel like I want it while other days I cannot stand the thought of recovery, but I guess that’s with this disease.  23 years ago I was born, 19 years ago my eating disorder was starting to take form in my brain.  1 year ago I was waiting to get into the Anna Westin House.  Today, I’m sitting in a coffee shop and remembering all of these things; I’m sitting here in awe.  My anorexia is screaming at me, yet proud I ordered a small black coffee.  I know that this thing won’t just go away but today I’m 23 and starting a fresh new year.  I can make it like I’m reborn and try to mold my brain back to a normal thought pattern.  Today is the start of something new.  I do have new tools that I’ve learned and that’s what has kept me afloat so far.  I can turn around and let the disease bring me backwards or I can start anew.  My birthday wish for myself is to start anew.  At least that’s my wish for today.

2 Responses to “23”

  1. Tiff March 30, 2012 at 6:53 pm #

    Today is the start of a new year!!! Things will be different and you will be better!!

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