Archive | September, 2012

Recovery is Quite the Journey

8 Sep

So I know I have not posted in a while, and I feel that for my recovery it is important for me to do so right now.  I have been struggling quite a bit lately and feel like I’m at a crossroads with my recovery.  My depression has been really high lately and it is annoying me so much.  I have SO much to be thankful for and SO much to recover for, and yet I still struggle with all the negative thoughts.  I have an amazing family who has been there every step of the way for me and a truly amazing boyfriend who is also taking every step with me along this daunting, rocky road.  I have been blessed with the people who are in my life right now and I could not be anymore thankful than I am.  The other part of me tells me that I do not deserve this treatment, that I just deserve to be left alone.   

I have been isolating less which is a great step in the right direction, even when the majority of me wants to just stay in bed and sleep to shut out the world.  I had a great conversation with my boyfriend last night and in conclusion I realize that I need to come to terms that people actually want to be around me and be a part of my life; and that they’re not just there for the hell of it.  I need to focus on the idea that people actually want to help me and be there for me and that I do deserve it.  That is just so foreign to me, yet I really need to start listening to that idea instead of shutting it down.  If I keep shutting it down, then I’m just going to push people away or frustrate them and I know that’s what my disorder wants me to do.  I am not my disorder and I need to take back control from it.  If I do not start listening to the healthier part of me, then nothing will change.  I have to actually feed into the healthy part in order to be healthy and actually recover.  I need to listen to those around me who are trying to support me.  I need to trust others right now instead of myself because if I listen to myself right now, a relapse is bound to happen; as I can tell I’m in the beginning stages of it. 

So here I am, really thinking about things and really trying to take that next healthy step.  I feel like this is some sort of progress right now and that is something I need to accept as well.  It is okay to progress, especially in recovery.  It is scary, and it is okay to be scared.  I am scared on multiple levels right now.  I’m scared for the fact that I’m starting to not even realize I’m giving into the disorder.  I did not realize that I lied to my dietitian on Wednesday when she asked how the meal plan was going.  My mind was telling me “it’s going great” and that is exactly what I told her.  So I need to start being real with things.  Next Wednesday I am going to tell her the absolute truth; that I am struggling right now.  Hopefully she won’t be mad and maybe we can come up with some type of plan that I will ACTUALLY have to follow.  Like I stated earlier.  I need to take the steps of change in order to MAKE a change.   

This is a step in the right direction, I think/hope.  Writing helps me come to terms with things so maybe I need to update this more and write more.  I’ll try to anyways.  I’m terrified of this journey, and yet I will never give up.  I will never stop fighting, even when I’m scared.