Archive | October, 2012

A New Step Towards Recovery

17 Oct

So Monday night was a really hard night for me.  It was actually quite scary.  Over the weekend my depression was slowly building up and on Monday it overtook me and I became suicidal for the first time in a long time.  I ended up not going to treatment so that I could isolate and be alone which is scary for me.  Although I wouldn’t do anything, just having those thoughts are terrifying! Depression is the worst and I try to think of all the happy things in my life yet it comes back at me and bites me, telling me that “I don’t deserve those good things”.  Monday I was completely hopeless.  I had eaten more over the weekend and felt like I binged on Sunday because I had more of my meal plan than I was used to.  Monday I tried to restrict and make up for eating this weekend but I still ended up eating more than I wanted to, but let’s face it, a piece of fruit would have been too much for me in my mind.  While I was in my hopeless and depressive funk, I talked to my boyfriend and he really opened my eyes to logic and how to view things.  It was nice to hear that I would not be given up on and that people are willing to fight with me and for me and not just leave me behind because of this illness.  As I thought about things, I started feeling more hope again and reason to do recovery.  I have been at a crossroads and I could either continue spiralling down and end up back in residential again, where I will be forced to eat and get to my target weight, or I could fight and force myself to go against my brain and start following my meal plan and become stronger.  That night I chose the recovery path.  I can only be in residential for so long and be forced to eat, and I don’t want to be in and out of treatment centers for the rest of my life because I keep avoiding my meal plan on my own.  It’s time that I fight for myself and my life before I run out of time and it becomes too late.  I can be compliant in treatment, but now I have to really step out of my comfort zone and continue my meal plan and continue fighting those thoughts when I’m on my own, otherwise this will be a never-ending cycle that couldn’t be broken.  I’m choosing to break this cycle now.  I’m choosing to fight against that self-defeating, self-destructive voice in my head and I’m choosing to do something different.  It’s going to be really hard to go through all the muck and not give up, but I can’t give up.  I’m holding hope for a better future and life because of recovery.  Tuesday I ended up doing a majority of my meal plan and today I have only missed a view exchanges.  My eating disorder is fighting back but I’m not going to let it be the loud voice this time.  No, this time it’s my healthy, recovery focused self that is going to be loud.  I’m going to hate every bite that I eat.  I’m going to hate all those full feelings and the feeling of gaining, but it is only temporary.  Those feelings will pass eventually and my thoughts will hopefully become softer and fewer and farther apart than they are now.  I’m trusting that I’ll eventually learn to love myself and accept who I am.  A number will not dictate who I am.  My soul is entrapped in this body, but this is just a body.  My soul is me, and in order for my soul to be shown and fully emulate, I need to take care of my body and treat it well so that everything can work properly and I can start being my true self again and not a shell of a person.  I want to watch my niece grow up and my next little niece/nephew grow up as well.  I want to be able to finish school and eventually help other people struggling with an eating disorder.  I want to be able to show that this is worth the fight and that it is possible to beat this.  I am not going to let anorexia win this fight anymore.  I have a future waiting for me, I have hopes, wishes, and dreams for myself.  I have to break this cycle now, I have the strength to do it and the motivation as well.  I have angels in my life who are so supportive and are there with me every step of the way.  I couldn’t be luckier.  I’m ready for this difficult path, and I know it’s not going to be perfect, and I know I’m going to have my slip ups, but that is life.  I’m ready to have those slip ups, and to not let them deter me from my ultimate goal.  It’s going to be a dark road for a little while, but I truly know that there will be the light at the end.  I just need to keep hope and see that glimmer and focus on my successes along the way.  I need to realize why I deserve this, why my family, friends, boyfriend, deserve this.  They don’t deserve to watch me waste away and give up.  I think I’m finally ready to give up my anorexia.  It’s time to take that scared, 4 year old girl’s hand and show her that everything is okay, and that everything will be okay.  It’s time for a change.  I’m ready for this recovery battle, and I’m ready to fight hard and loud.  I know I can beat this.  I’m going to win.