An Update: Lots of Thoughts

4 Sep

So tomorrow starts the beginning of my Junior year for Dietetics.  I can officially classify myself as a Junior now, I have made it that far (took forever but finally!). However, I won’t judge the time it has taken because this isn’t a sprint. Since my last post (which was in October of 2012), things have really changed, while other things have stayed stable but grown into a much larger part of my life.  

Despite doing school last year, I was still deep into my anorexia.  I couldn’t get my head out of the disorder and I honestly didn’t know myself without it. I did well in the fall semester and continued to do well in school in my spring semester but as school continued, my weight continued to drop again.  By the end of march/beginning of april, I was at the mall with my boyfriend and was seconds from passing out twice. Without him there, I probably would’ve woken up on the shiny floor at the mall. I truly became afraid again at that point and I could see the terror in his eyes as well.  That was not something I wanted him to see and I knew it wouldn’t take long before I’d be forced into higher treatment again (talks were starting about it at that point as is).  I made a promise to myself, to those around me, to my future, to my dreams and desires, that I would completely jump into recovery, all of me.  I had to make a choice at that point, and I chose to begin my meal plan again and to listen to my treatment team, to the support around me.  It was VERY difficult at first, but the support to continue on and fight through the awful thoughts helped me so much.  I know I couldn’t do it on my own account, and I needed to lean on those around me.  I had made it through 2 weeks (with no exercise) and found out that a good friend of mine from childhood had passed away from cancer.  I was devastated.  We had just talked a couple days before her passing, wanting to meet up and continue supporting each other through our battles.  I wanted nothing else but the comfort of my eating disorder at that point, but I couldn’t allow myself to turn to it, I wanted to keep fighting, if not for me, but for her.  I needed the comfort of my friends and family, of my treatment team, not my disorder.  I knew that the disorder would keep me alone and give me fake comfort while a pair of arms could provide me actual comfort; something tangible.

 I had made it through the hard month, finished off the spring semester and summer break arrived.  I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with myself.  It was my first summer with no intensive programming, just my outpatient team.  With my summer starting off with my one year anniversary with Tyler, I didn’t realize there were going to be so many events occurring, including a month of a summer class.  Now looking back at it, my summer was PACKED and it was packed with things I WANTED to do, things I COULD do. I didn’t have to sit in a group all day; I actually had freedom.  It was freedom I allowed myself to have, I earned it by sticking with recovery.   

So here I am today, looking back on this last year.  I grew closer to so many great people that have helped me better myself, that have supported me along this journey. I couldn’t be more thankful for my boyfriend though.  He has been the best thing that’s ever happened to me.  I honestly don’t know where I would be right now without his love and support in my life.  He helps me keep going each day when I want to just quit and curl into a ball, which is sadly where I have been at the last couple of weeks.  His patience with me and my struggle with my anorexia is astonishing and I cannot thank him enough.   

So tomorrow I officially begin my Junior year, and I’m sitting here with the nervous butterflies.  My disorder yelling at me that “I’m not thin enough for the first day” and that I need to be more disciplined when it comes to my studies to get that 4.0 this semester. As much as I’m trying to ignore these thoughts, I have noticed myself slipping back into old behaviors from triggers I’ve been exposed to. The same thoughts of wanting control, of wanting to lose weight, to look good, to be good enough, to be thin enough, to be perfect are circling in my mind.  At times I find this place to be more difficult than being stuck in the disorder.  When stuck in the disorder it feels like you have no other choice, and I DON’T EVER want to get back to that point again.  I’d rather be here, working harder, feeling the struggle, realizing that I DO have a choice and asking myself what my choice is. I know that this is part of the journey; that recovery is a giant mess, but a mess with progress if I stick to it. I’d rather have a choice, maybe make a wrong choice once in a while, but know that I do have a choice and that I’m not stuck, not feeling like I have no say when it comes to the disorder.  I know this semester will be hard, I expect that.  I will have to work my butt off, but I WILL NOT let my anorexia take away my future, take away my dreams and wants. I look forward to the future, I’m excited for it and that’s what will keep me going. Yes, I will continue to struggle, and I foresee the struggling to decrease as time passes.  I trust in that, I have to.


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