Archive | May, 2014

Where I Am, Going into Summer 2014

9 May

So I know I have not updated on here for a while and last time I did I was just going into my Junior year of Dietetics.  Well, the year has come and it is almost done.  I will be finishing up this year in just 2 weeks.  I am so happy that this school year is almost over, it has been a whirlwind, yet I have had a lot of fun learning as well. 

I did not think that taking 16 credits both semesters while tutoring microbiology would be that difficult, but it was. There were so many things to do, and on top of that I was beginning to get really sick.  I started experiencing horrible migraines, night sweats and my temperature would drop to 94.8 even though I felt like I was burning up.  I went to a gastroenterologist and found out that I need to have some things done to help my GI tract, and if that does not work then I may just need to have my large intestine removed completely.  Between all of the classes, tutoring and medical appointments and ailments I had little time to actually take care of myself and continue working out and eating well.  Hence, my stress levels increased (working out helps reduce them) and my eating disorder became much louder.  My weight has dropped a bit and as of right now I feel like I am in a tough place.  I want to get healthy again like I was last summer but the ED voice is so loud now.  I know that I need to ignore it and just do what I have to do, no matter how horrible it feels or the thoughts that are running through my head.  Every time that I finally get to get a workout in, I tend to get a fracture of some sort which makes me unable to workout for a few weeks.  I just feel like there are nonstop setbacks.  My grandma has also been in the hospital a few times this year and we have found out her lymphoma is back again.  She’s really weak and I’m trying so hard not to think negatively.  I just don’t want to think of life without her.  

Looking at the positives, I ended up getting engaged to the most amazing man.  He is my everything and he has also moved in and has been there every step of the way for me and I couldn’t thank him enough for it.  My dad’s cancer levels have stayed down (yay!) and my fiance and I also got a puppy! She is so cute but at times she is incredibly naughty.  Though the naughty times are definitely worth it.  Wedding planning has been fun and things have started to get booked.  

There have been so many emotions this year and while the good ones are amazing, it’s hard because they are joined with the negative emotions.  I feel like I’m in a whirlwind of emotions lately but I am still hanging in there.  As for my body image, it’s horrible.  I know that I need to really change things around on that aspect and stress has a huge influence on it.  I need to trust those around me and what they say when they see me because I guess I’m not seeing myself clearly.  

So where do I go from here?  Well, I want to get back on track, bring positivity back and really focus on being healthy and happy.  I need to do this so things do not get worse, but also so that I can continue living and be able to experience my future.  So my plan for the summer is to clean out my place (get rid of junk I don’t need/clutter that is unnecessary), get back on my meal plan and start working out again, help out at the food shelf and volunteer at some other places as well.  I know that I do not want to go back to where I was before; I don’t want to put school on hold again or end up back in residential treatment for another 5 months.  My life does not have room for that so I have to get my butt in gear and change my ways.  

All I ask for is support and that is not easy for me but I know that i need it.  I need accountability as well. I have one year of school left and I’m ready for that party to celebrate just how far I’ve come.  My ED is not allowed to derail me and all of my hard work.  I will not let it destroy me anymore, I have nothing left to give to it.  It’s time to get stronger than ever before, it’s my next step and it’s a big step.  I know I can do it, look at all that I’ve accomplished so far in this long journey.  There’s no room for ED in my future.