A Look Into My Mind – And a Hope for Change (Trigger Warning)

16 Jul

So my head has been feeling heavy and quite clouded lately and depression has shot up a bit over these last few months.  To start off, I lost my Grandma on June 3 and I almost felt numb in a way but still had my crying sessions.  It hasn’t been until recently that my depression has been high and I really feel the grieving of her passing.  She was the only Grandma I knew from little on up and she was more than just a Grandma, she was my friend as well. It’s been hard realizing that I can’t see her anymore or hear her voice. I can’t watch her flirt with men or hear her give my fiance a hard time for fun. She brought spirit and joy everywhere she went and I’m definitely hurting from this loss now.  I know she is back with my Bumpa, her “lover boy” and they’re having a great time up in heaven, but this is just so hard.  

The spring semester was packed with intensity and then towards the end is when Grandma started going downhill fast.  As soon as finals were over (and even just before they started), I was told that she wouldn’t be bouncing back from this one.  Watching her slowly deteriorate in front of my eyes was incredibly difficult for me, yet I wanted to stand by her side through it all. I wanted her to know I was not going to leave her; I wanted her to know I loved her so much and that she was so incredible to me.   

All this intensity and back to back things have just worn me out emotionally and I’ve gone back to that “wanting to just feel numb and disappear” thought pattern. Even with the greatest support system that I have, I still just feel so alone and caught up in my brain. Towards the end of the semester I was back down in weight from all of the stress and running around that went on.  The frequent rounds of nausea didn’t help as well and I’m sure it was due to stress and heavy emotions.  With my treatment team asking me if I need higher care (and letting me decide whether it would be helpful or not, which it wouldn’t) and really pushing on weight restoration, I’m overwhelmed.  I’m questioning my recovery because that ED voice has become so loud again.  Protein bars/powder have now been added to my meal plan to help bump up calories so they can see an incline and all I want to do is avoid it as much as possible. 

I have no idea where all of my spirit and motivation has gone to and right now I’m feeling incredibly defeated.  I can’t say that I have lost hope, but I’ve definitely lost the energy that gives me the “oomph” to move on.  And when it comes to body image, I can’t even describe the immense hatred I have towards my image.  Even though I’m being told how distorted my view is, I still cannot get over it.  My mind just keeps replaying that I’m not good enough.  I’m not pretty enough.  I’m just not enough.  With a BMI of about 16.5, I logically know that’s not in a healthy range, yet I can’t see it.  Maybe it’s because so many people tell me that I look good or look healthy, and I take that and compare it to someone else with my same BMI and they’re told they look sick.  It just rattles my mind and it feeds into not wanting to restore any weight.  

As you can see, I’m all over the place.  My brain had an eloquent way of writing this, and now as I’m actually putting it down it’s coming out unorganized and butchered. My life is starting to line up and here I am falling apart again mentally. How do I push past the barriers that I place around myself? Fighting my own mind, my own thought process, the disordered mess that started 21 years ago seems to be quite the battle. When will I be enough for myself and stop comparing myself to others? I just don’t know what to do, I don’t understand or know HOW to do it. My brain never stops and this eating disorder and bipolar depression are wearing me down and weighing me down.   

The darkness fell over my eyes

like a blindfold trying to hide the world around me. 

And as I waited for the sun to rise 

the hours passed by and it became harder to see. 

The pitch black air became thicker 

and I choked as my breath became quicker. 

The thoughts in my head were all I could hear 

and the louder they got, the harder it was to control my fear. 

How do you search for a way out when you have no light? 

How do you drown out your thoughts when you can’t see what you’re supposed to fight?


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