23

30 Mar

So today I’m 23 years old.  I’m sitting in a coffee shop waiting for my therapy appointment, reading all the birthday wishes that people have posted on my facebook.  I’m so thankful and grateful for each “happy birthday” I read.  They mean so much to me, and it just shows that there is support out there for me.  I always know that there is support from my family and friends but sometimes this disease makes you forget and treats you as if you’re alone.  It makes you think that you don’t deserve anybody out there.  Seeing all the comments shows that I have more power than the disease, and I needed to see that today.  Who would have thought that on my birthday I would be looking back to a year ago and wishing I was back there.  Not back in treatment but back to the size I was.  It makes me sad to think that I cannot even enjoy my birthday without wishing I was skinnier for it, without wishing I weighed less and that it would be the best birthday gift I could ask for.  This is why I’m still in treatment, still getting help, and still striving for recovery.  Some days I feel like I want it while other days I cannot stand the thought of recovery, but I guess that’s with this disease.  23 years ago I was born, 19 years ago my eating disorder was starting to take form in my brain.  1 year ago I was waiting to get into the Anna Westin House.  Today, I’m sitting in a coffee shop and remembering all of these things; I’m sitting here in awe.  My anorexia is screaming at me, yet proud I ordered a small black coffee.  I know that this thing won’t just go away but today I’m 23 and starting a fresh new year.  I can make it like I’m reborn and try to mold my brain back to a normal thought pattern.  Today is the start of something new.  I do have new tools that I’ve learned and that’s what has kept me afloat so far.  I can turn around and let the disease bring me backwards or I can start anew.  My birthday wish for myself is to start anew.  At least that’s my wish for today.

Struggling

19 Mar

Today is definitely one of thsoe days.  I cannot stop thinking about calories, food, and exercise.  Numbers keep running around in my head, dancing and twirling; spinning and spinning.  I had therapy and am going to be going back into IOP (Intensive outpatient program) and I am not excited for that.  I want to back out of it so badly, and the push towards the disorder is extremely strong.  It’s like a siren singing her beautiful song and I’m definitely lured in today.  I don’t know what my problem is; it’s like I go from one extreme to the other and I’m so tired of this battle.  I’m just so frustrated with this disease, and I feel so guilty because I feel like it’s me choosing to have this.  I know that I’m not, but it gets hard to believe that I’m not.  I’m upset with myself no matter what, I can never do things the “right way” (perfectionism popping out).  I can’t recover correctly and then my eating disorder yells at me for not being disordered enough, for not being thinner, being better.  I feel like I cannot win no matter what happens and I’m just exhausted with fighting against myself.  I’m struggling and annoyed, confused and I feel like a complete failure.  I know this is just today and tomorrow can be different and will be different, but days like these suck and can be really discouraging.  Hopefully things turn around again.  I guess I just need to take it one day at a time.  One hour at a time, minute by minute.  That’s all I can do.  For those of you out there, you ARE STRONG! YOU CAN FIGHT THIS! Take it step by step, day by day.  Literally. Hold on.

 

Meghan

Exhausted Today

15 Mar

Today has been a slightly busy day! It was productive anyways! I met with my counselors at school and found out that I’ll be in school for longer than I thought.  Part of me is extremely down because of it but I am trying not to let it defeat me.  I know I’ll be done with school eventually, I was just hoping sooner rather than later.  I know hindsight is 20/20 but if I would have just known what I wanted and trudged through with school, I’d be further in life and be where I want to be.  Instead, I took the muddy route with quick sand and got stuck.  Things are going too slow for me and I just want to move on.  I know that my perfectionism is coming out when I say that and that’s what got me into this mess.  I’m just exhausted and struggling as I watch the people around me live their life.  I want to do that, and I know I am, it’s just different.  I want to actually feel like I’m living and not just going through the motions like a lifeless being.  Someday I want a family with someone and I feel like that is going to be much later than I expected because my main focus will be on school.  I’m frustrated.  I’m exhausted and embarrassed of where I am.  I know judging the situation isn’t going to help any, but it’s really difficult not to judge it (there’s that perfectionism coming out again).  However, on the brightside, overall today was a good day.  My meal plan was not the greatest, but I still ate some.  I wanted to workout as well but I’m just too exhausted and unable to push through that exhaustion.  So positive note, I’m listening to my body tell me it’s tired and I”m resting right now.

I guess I just need to keep telling myself that things take time in life, and I will get to where I want to be.  I have obstacles (like everyone else) and I need to figure out how to move through them.  I know that during these obstacles in life, I learn the most.  That is where I find the most strength, and I need to utilize it positively and then I’ll make it through.  I’ll get there, it takes time; it’s frustrating, but I will get there.  I have to.

Introduction

13 Mar

My name is Meghan and I’ve been battling disordered eating for almost 19 years.  I have been battling anorexia for close to 4 years now.  I have been in treatment at the Emily Program for over a year now.  Things had started to spiral out of control to the point where I was barely eating and working out at least 5 hours a day.  Last April (2011) I ended up going to the Anna Westin House for close to 5 months.  During those months I went through the process of refeeding and I did as I was told.  However, I still snuck workouts in here and there behind closed doors.  Even though my body was getting healthy (which I hated), my brain was still sick.  I would have moments of feeling recovery but those moments were rare.  I played them up though; I wanted to get out of the house so that I could go back to what I was doing.  I hated the fact that my body had changed for the better, because to me, it had changed for the worst.

As soon as I left the treatment center, I slowly went back to my old habits, yet I wanted to live life like a 22 year old should.  I wanted to start school again and get a job.  I was going after things so fast, trying to make everything normal, but it wasn’t.  I’ve had to drop classes now in order to stay alive and manage my depression, anxiety, and eating disorder.  Now my job is the next thing to lessen.  I absolutely love my job and it hurts that I cannot do it anymore, or do it to the potential that I want to.  Just a coupld days ago I had completely crashed and jumped off the edge.  I did things that I regret, and I did them all because of self-hatred and depression.  Everything had just caught up with me and my world came crashing down.  My body may not be physically to the point where it was last year but my mind is definitely ill.  Today I hit a realization as I was walking my dog.  The song “Stand Back Up” by Sugarland came on my iPod and it brought me to tears.  I received a feeling I have never felt before.  I want recovery.  I want to live my life and I want to get better, for my family and for my friends.  I’m tired of being submissive to this disease.  If I don’t beat this now, I don’t know if I’ll live later on.  And I’ve realized that I can’t keep being ashamed of what I have.  I am anorexic, I suffer from severe depression and anxiety; I’m struggling, but I want to share my recovery process and show people that it is possible to overcome demons in life.  This is going to be my blog to show that process.  Even if 1 person reads this, hopefully they can get something out of it, and knowing that I have one extra person for support is amazing to me because during times like this, all the support is needed.  I want to beat this.  I want to be there for my dad as he battles his cancer and do what I can to help him, but I can’t do that if I’m sick.  He needs his family and I want to fight and be there for him.  My niece needs her auntie, and I want to be there to watch her grow up.  My mom needs her youngest daughter, my sister needs her sister, etc.  I won’t let them down.  It’s time to stand back up.  It’s time to fight free from this ED.  It’s time to fight.  It’s time for me to go back to treatment and actually listen to them and do what they tell me.  It’s time to change and become Meghan, not just another statistic for an eating disorder.  I’m more than that.  We are all here for a reason, and it’s time for me to fulfill my duties.

 

“Stand Back Up” by Sugarland

Go ahead and take your best shot, Let ‘er rip, give it all you’ve got, I’m laid out on the floor, but I’ve been here before, I may stumble, yeah I might fall, Only human aren’t we all? I might lose my way, but hear me when I say,
I will stand back up, You’ll know just the moment when I’ve had enough, Sometimes I’m afraid, and I don’t feel that tough, But I’ll stand back up,
I’ve been beaten up and bruised, I’ve been kicked right off my shoes, Been down on my knees more times than you’d believe, When the darkness tries to get me, There’s a light that just won’t let me, It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes, But I’ll stand back up,
I’ve weathered all these storms, But I just turn them into wind, so I can fly, What don’t kill you makes you stronger, When I take my last breath, That’s when I’ll just give up,
So, go ahead and take your best shot, Let ‘er rip, give it all you’ve got, You might win this round but you can’t keep me down,
‘Cause I’ll stand back up, And you’ll know just the moment when I’ve had enough, Sometimes I’m afraid and I don’t feel that tough, But I’ll stand back up,
You’ll know just the moment when I’ve had enough, Sometimes I’m afraid and I don’t feel that tough, But I’ll stand back up.