Tag Archives: Fighting

It’s Been a While…Update

19 Feb

It has been quite a while since the last time I have written and so many things have happened since, big changes. I finally graduated from undergrad with my degree in dietetics (May 2015) and was accepted into a master’s program/internship to finish out the trek in becoming an RD. I also got married and am so incredibly lucky to have the husband that I do and I’m not sure how I snatched him up but I know that I don’t deserve his amazingness. Two weeks after being married I moved to pursue my master’s and start my internship and things have definitely been stressful and a struggle.

I guess I am writing this just to throw out my thoughts, feelings, and stress instead of hanging onto them and letting them weigh me down. I haven’t written anything in quite some time and I remember just how good it felt to write things down and clear them out of my head. I used to do that all the time, especially in treatment, but “life gets in the way”. I know that’s a phrase that a lot of us often use but for me, I know that if I use that excuse when it comes to self-care I will eventually lose myself and end up down a dangerous path that I do not want to go on. So, I’m writing. This isn’t my usual type of writing but it’s something. I have a hard time sharing how I am doing or what has been going on in my life but I figured this could give people a little insight and a little better understanding of what it is like to deal with mental (and a little physical) health issues when major stress and changes are going on.

First off, moving has been extremely difficult for me. I am not one that strays far from family and friends as they are a huge part of my life and support system. I’m missing out on being there for my nieces and nephew and being able to see them experience new things these next two years (well, 15 months now). It may not seem like a huge deal to many but they bring such sunshine into my life that I forget everything else that is stressing me out/going on. I’m missing out on family events as well which becomes difficult for me as I looked forward to them. When it comes to my severe depression (and my Dr. is leaning away from bipolar but more towards BPD tendencies, which makes sense because that is quite common in eating disorder patients), any type of stability and joy is something I try to hold on to tightly. When my moods are in the extreme lows or shifting from highs to lows frequently, I feel incredibly out of control. It’s that joy and stability that still keeps me grounded in some way, and it can hold the darkness at bay. Going home every few months is something I look forward to, yet it never seems often enough. I know that this time in the program will go by fast, but there is so much that I feel like I am missing out on. My best friend is getting married New Years Eve 2016 and I haven’t been able to do half the things I’ve wanted to do to celebrate her engagement. I want to be there every step of the way and I feel so terrible that I can’t.

The stress with the program has definitely taken a toll on my mental health. I have been having breakdowns every 3 days, if not more frequently than that. I’m a slower learner and it is so fast paced that I am starting to really question if I can actually do this. Then comes self doubt, a lovely feeling that I’ve carried with me throughout my life. I was more confident when I had finished treatment and recently I feel like my emotions have taken a huge step backwards. I have been completely drained of energy lately and started going to bed around 9 because I simply cannot keep my eyes open or think at all. I feel like I am mentally deteriorating yet I don’t want to give up since I’m just a few months away from completing the first year.

I’m feeling more out of control than I’ve felt in years which terrifies me. The way that I seek control is through unhealthy behavior and I’ve been working so hard to steer clear of going down that slippery slope. Coping mechanisms are creeping back in as I’m trying to deal with all of these factors and feelings going on. My mental health is what is being hindered and it is also the same thing that is doing the hindering. It’s a vicious cycle and I have yet to figure out how to slow it down/learn how to cope. My brain feels like a washer, everything is spinning around and along with the spinning comes extra factors (like the water/rinsing, and then the sudden halting and reverse spinning). All I want to do is sleep. I’m tired and have this void within me. Sometimes that void goes away, but it’s a feeling that’s there 90% of the time. Maybe writing can help fill the void, so I’m giving it a try. I’m just not sure how to process things anymore and I’m beginning to feel detached from myself. I don’t want to end up hurting myself because of this never-ending roller coaster of emotions that never seems to level out.

As of right now, I just need to keep taking things minute by minute, day by day because I know that will keep me going at least for a little bit. Currently, I’m doing to the best of my ability. I need to keep asking for guidance and continue to read inspirational messages. Until next time (hopefully sooner than a year).

Introduction

13 Mar

My name is Meghan and I’ve been battling disordered eating for almost 19 years.  I have been battling anorexia for close to 4 years now.  I have been in treatment at the Emily Program for over a year now.  Things had started to spiral out of control to the point where I was barely eating and working out at least 5 hours a day.  Last April (2011) I ended up going to the Anna Westin House for close to 5 months.  During those months I went through the process of refeeding and I did as I was told.  However, I still snuck workouts in here and there behind closed doors.  Even though my body was getting healthy (which I hated), my brain was still sick.  I would have moments of feeling recovery but those moments were rare.  I played them up though; I wanted to get out of the house so that I could go back to what I was doing.  I hated the fact that my body had changed for the better, because to me, it had changed for the worst.

As soon as I left the treatment center, I slowly went back to my old habits, yet I wanted to live life like a 22 year old should.  I wanted to start school again and get a job.  I was going after things so fast, trying to make everything normal, but it wasn’t.  I’ve had to drop classes now in order to stay alive and manage my depression, anxiety, and eating disorder.  Now my job is the next thing to lessen.  I absolutely love my job and it hurts that I cannot do it anymore, or do it to the potential that I want to.  Just a coupld days ago I had completely crashed and jumped off the edge.  I did things that I regret, and I did them all because of self-hatred and depression.  Everything had just caught up with me and my world came crashing down.  My body may not be physically to the point where it was last year but my mind is definitely ill.  Today I hit a realization as I was walking my dog.  The song “Stand Back Up” by Sugarland came on my iPod and it brought me to tears.  I received a feeling I have never felt before.  I want recovery.  I want to live my life and I want to get better, for my family and for my friends.  I’m tired of being submissive to this disease.  If I don’t beat this now, I don’t know if I’ll live later on.  And I’ve realized that I can’t keep being ashamed of what I have.  I am anorexic, I suffer from severe depression and anxiety; I’m struggling, but I want to share my recovery process and show people that it is possible to overcome demons in life.  This is going to be my blog to show that process.  Even if 1 person reads this, hopefully they can get something out of it, and knowing that I have one extra person for support is amazing to me because during times like this, all the support is needed.  I want to beat this.  I want to be there for my dad as he battles his cancer and do what I can to help him, but I can’t do that if I’m sick.  He needs his family and I want to fight and be there for him.  My niece needs her auntie, and I want to be there to watch her grow up.  My mom needs her youngest daughter, my sister needs her sister, etc.  I won’t let them down.  It’s time to stand back up.  It’s time to fight free from this ED.  It’s time to fight.  It’s time for me to go back to treatment and actually listen to them and do what they tell me.  It’s time to change and become Meghan, not just another statistic for an eating disorder.  I’m more than that.  We are all here for a reason, and it’s time for me to fulfill my duties.

 

“Stand Back Up” by Sugarland

Go ahead and take your best shot, Let ‘er rip, give it all you’ve got, I’m laid out on the floor, but I’ve been here before, I may stumble, yeah I might fall, Only human aren’t we all? I might lose my way, but hear me when I say,
I will stand back up, You’ll know just the moment when I’ve had enough, Sometimes I’m afraid, and I don’t feel that tough, But I’ll stand back up,
I’ve been beaten up and bruised, I’ve been kicked right off my shoes, Been down on my knees more times than you’d believe, When the darkness tries to get me, There’s a light that just won’t let me, It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes, But I’ll stand back up,
I’ve weathered all these storms, But I just turn them into wind, so I can fly, What don’t kill you makes you stronger, When I take my last breath, That’s when I’ll just give up,
So, go ahead and take your best shot, Let ‘er rip, give it all you’ve got, You might win this round but you can’t keep me down,
‘Cause I’ll stand back up, And you’ll know just the moment when I’ve had enough, Sometimes I’m afraid and I don’t feel that tough, But I’ll stand back up,
You’ll know just the moment when I’ve had enough, Sometimes I’m afraid and I don’t feel that tough, But I’ll stand back up.