Tag Archives: hope

It’s Been a While…Update

19 Feb

It has been quite a while since the last time I have written and so many things have happened since, big changes. I finally graduated from undergrad with my degree in dietetics (May 2015) and was accepted into a master’s program/internship to finish out the trek in becoming an RD. I also got married and am so incredibly lucky to have the husband that I do and I’m not sure how I snatched him up but I know that I don’t deserve his amazingness. Two weeks after being married I moved to pursue my master’s and start my internship and things have definitely been stressful and a struggle.

I guess I am writing this just to throw out my thoughts, feelings, and stress instead of hanging onto them and letting them weigh me down. I haven’t written anything in quite some time and I remember just how good it felt to write things down and clear them out of my head. I used to do that all the time, especially in treatment, but “life gets in the way”. I know that’s a phrase that a lot of us often use but for me, I know that if I use that excuse when it comes to self-care I will eventually lose myself and end up down a dangerous path that I do not want to go on. So, I’m writing. This isn’t my usual type of writing but it’s something. I have a hard time sharing how I am doing or what has been going on in my life but I figured this could give people a little insight and a little better understanding of what it is like to deal with mental (and a little physical) health issues when major stress and changes are going on.

First off, moving has been extremely difficult for me. I am not one that strays far from family and friends as they are a huge part of my life and support system. I’m missing out on being there for my nieces and nephew and being able to see them experience new things these next two years (well, 15 months now). It may not seem like a huge deal to many but they bring such sunshine into my life that I forget everything else that is stressing me out/going on. I’m missing out on family events as well which becomes difficult for me as I looked forward to them. When it comes to my severe depression (and my Dr. is leaning away from bipolar but more towards BPD tendencies, which makes sense because that is quite common in eating disorder patients), any type of stability and joy is something I try to hold on to tightly. When my moods are in the extreme lows or shifting from highs to lows frequently, I feel incredibly out of control. It’s that joy and stability that still keeps me grounded in some way, and it can hold the darkness at bay. Going home every few months is something I look forward to, yet it never seems often enough. I know that this time in the program will go by fast, but there is so much that I feel like I am missing out on. My best friend is getting married New Years Eve 2016 and I haven’t been able to do half the things I’ve wanted to do to celebrate her engagement. I want to be there every step of the way and I feel so terrible that I can’t.

The stress with the program has definitely taken a toll on my mental health. I have been having breakdowns every 3 days, if not more frequently than that. I’m a slower learner and it is so fast paced that I am starting to really question if I can actually do this. Then comes self doubt, a lovely feeling that I’ve carried with me throughout my life. I was more confident when I had finished treatment and recently I feel like my emotions have taken a huge step backwards. I have been completely drained of energy lately and started going to bed around 9 because I simply cannot keep my eyes open or think at all. I feel like I am mentally deteriorating yet I don’t want to give up since I’m just a few months away from completing the first year.

I’m feeling more out of control than I’ve felt in years which terrifies me. The way that I seek control is through unhealthy behavior and I’ve been working so hard to steer clear of going down that slippery slope. Coping mechanisms are creeping back in as I’m trying to deal with all of these factors and feelings going on. My mental health is what is being hindered and it is also the same thing that is doing the hindering. It’s a vicious cycle and I have yet to figure out how to slow it down/learn how to cope. My brain feels like a washer, everything is spinning around and along with the spinning comes extra factors (like the water/rinsing, and then the sudden halting and reverse spinning). All I want to do is sleep. I’m tired and have this void within me. Sometimes that void goes away, but it’s a feeling that’s there 90% of the time. Maybe writing can help fill the void, so I’m giving it a try. I’m just not sure how to process things anymore and I’m beginning to feel detached from myself. I don’t want to end up hurting myself because of this never-ending roller coaster of emotions that never seems to level out.

As of right now, I just need to keep taking things minute by minute, day by day because I know that will keep me going at least for a little bit. Currently, I’m doing to the best of my ability. I need to keep asking for guidance and continue to read inspirational messages. Until next time (hopefully sooner than a year).

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23

30 Mar

So today I’m 23 years old.  I’m sitting in a coffee shop waiting for my therapy appointment, reading all the birthday wishes that people have posted on my facebook.  I’m so thankful and grateful for each “happy birthday” I read.  They mean so much to me, and it just shows that there is support out there for me.  I always know that there is support from my family and friends but sometimes this disease makes you forget and treats you as if you’re alone.  It makes you think that you don’t deserve anybody out there.  Seeing all the comments shows that I have more power than the disease, and I needed to see that today.  Who would have thought that on my birthday I would be looking back to a year ago and wishing I was back there.  Not back in treatment but back to the size I was.  It makes me sad to think that I cannot even enjoy my birthday without wishing I was skinnier for it, without wishing I weighed less and that it would be the best birthday gift I could ask for.  This is why I’m still in treatment, still getting help, and still striving for recovery.  Some days I feel like I want it while other days I cannot stand the thought of recovery, but I guess that’s with this disease.  23 years ago I was born, 19 years ago my eating disorder was starting to take form in my brain.  1 year ago I was waiting to get into the Anna Westin House.  Today, I’m sitting in a coffee shop and remembering all of these things; I’m sitting here in awe.  My anorexia is screaming at me, yet proud I ordered a small black coffee.  I know that this thing won’t just go away but today I’m 23 and starting a fresh new year.  I can make it like I’m reborn and try to mold my brain back to a normal thought pattern.  Today is the start of something new.  I do have new tools that I’ve learned and that’s what has kept me afloat so far.  I can turn around and let the disease bring me backwards or I can start anew.  My birthday wish for myself is to start anew.  At least that’s my wish for today.

Exhausted Today

15 Mar

Today has been a slightly busy day! It was productive anyways! I met with my counselors at school and found out that I’ll be in school for longer than I thought.  Part of me is extremely down because of it but I am trying not to let it defeat me.  I know I’ll be done with school eventually, I was just hoping sooner rather than later.  I know hindsight is 20/20 but if I would have just known what I wanted and trudged through with school, I’d be further in life and be where I want to be.  Instead, I took the muddy route with quick sand and got stuck.  Things are going too slow for me and I just want to move on.  I know that my perfectionism is coming out when I say that and that’s what got me into this mess.  I’m just exhausted and struggling as I watch the people around me live their life.  I want to do that, and I know I am, it’s just different.  I want to actually feel like I’m living and not just going through the motions like a lifeless being.  Someday I want a family with someone and I feel like that is going to be much later than I expected because my main focus will be on school.  I’m frustrated.  I’m exhausted and embarrassed of where I am.  I know judging the situation isn’t going to help any, but it’s really difficult not to judge it (there’s that perfectionism coming out again).  However, on the brightside, overall today was a good day.  My meal plan was not the greatest, but I still ate some.  I wanted to workout as well but I’m just too exhausted and unable to push through that exhaustion.  So positive note, I’m listening to my body tell me it’s tired and I”m resting right now.

I guess I just need to keep telling myself that things take time in life, and I will get to where I want to be.  I have obstacles (like everyone else) and I need to figure out how to move through them.  I know that during these obstacles in life, I learn the most.  That is where I find the most strength, and I need to utilize it positively and then I’ll make it through.  I’ll get there, it takes time; it’s frustrating, but I will get there.  I have to.